So you ’ve decided to spend a night in a cabin in the woods ! You shoot . You might as well sacrifice yourself to Satan and spare yourself some time and effort . But if you and your friends experience you have to embark on this most deadly of holiday , here are 13 tips that might just keep you alive . ( plausibly not , though . )
1 ) Come fain .
Even spending a single night in a cabin in the woods want a bang-up amount of supply . Besides food and bottled water — no booze , obviously , but more on that below — you ’re conk to need as many sources of light as you could mob into your car : flashlights , lanterns , floodlights , tiki torches , etc . because the forces of darkness will destroy or steal anything you bring at least once . This includes machine supplies , so bring an extra set of car key , a car battery , a distributor cap , whatever . Do not , however , wreak an additional tank of gaseous state , and that ’s for the same reason you should n’t bring any weapon system — they will only be used against you . Bringing , say , a vainglorious bowie tongue to protect yourself with is equivalent to walk up to the supernatural liquidator who haunts the woods and handing it to him . formal arm are n’t going to do a damn matter against the forces of malefic anyways . Also , you require to bring a large bucket . You ’ll see .
2 ) Do not diss anyone on your elbow room to the cabin .
3 ) Park as skinny to the cabin as you could .
chance are , you ’ll have to leave your car a sizeable distance aside . But you desire your vehicle to be as close as possible in instance you need to flee . Now , opportunity are you ’ll die awfully well before you reach it , but it definitely does n’t hurt to be ready . Of of course , if you have the choice to park next to the cabin , DO SO . And take the fourth dimension to position the car so you make the quickest lam possible .
4 ) Bar all entrances to the basement immediately upon comer .
When arriving at the cabin , your first instinct will be to unpack and get situated . DO NOT DO THIS . rather , take a spirit around to discover all entrances and loss to the cabin ’s basement area , and then choke up them . Board them up . Use chain of mountains and lock . If there ’s a trap door in the cabin storey , heap as many laborious objects on top of it as potential after sweep through it shut . This is anteriority # 1 .
5 ) Do not touch anything in the cabin .
While looking around the cabin for cellar access , you ’ll in all likelihood see thing leave by the cabin ’s previous inhabitants . Pretend they are all covered with the ebola virus . Do not read any journal , hear to any tapes , observe any home motion picture . Avoid all books , specially ace that appear to have been potentially bound in human flesh . Do not take anything from anything aloud . Do not touch dolls , weapons , anything . Do n’t even utilize the cookware — for all you know the premature denizen was a murderer who bludgeoned all his victims to death with his sauté pan .
6 ) Dress to repress .
You need to dress as conservatively as potential . I ’m not talking suits or formal dresses , I intend cover as much of your flesh as possible . There should be nothing bare besides your hands and heads . No décolletage , no leg , hell , no ankles should be seeable . I do n’t care if it ’s summer and 110 degree outside , you must keep cut through . trust me , expire of heat stroke is a much tolerant potential destiny than the alternative .
7 ) disregard the bed .
It does n’t weigh how many rooms the cabin has ; tonight everyone ’s log Z’s together . Set up your sleeping bag or whatever in the cabin ’s largest room , preferably in a R-2 allowing you all to face each other and past each other to all entrances to the elbow room . The idea is to be able to see a threat coming from all directions simultaneously , while also keeping your fellow campers in ken .
- Set up a perimeter .
Even if you ’re able-bodied to watch the room ’s approach points , it ’ll help to know where likely menace are coming from . Use crumpled up paper or broken glass ( a purse full of light bulb thinly smash up with a cock should do the trick ) and disperse them about all the accounting entry points and at least 10 feet beyond . That way trespasser will have to walk on them as they come near , serving as a low - technical school surety alarm . Well , for corporal threat , at least .
9 ) Do n’t leave the cabin under any circumstances .
When the mother fucker hits the fan , your inherent aptitude will be to flee to your automobile . neglect this . You ’re far safer in the cabin than you are traipse through the forest in the wickedness , if only because you could not be sexually assaulted by an malign tree in the cabin ( probably ) . The forcible space of the cabin throttle the amount ( and size ) of your assaulter , while in the wood all bets are off . If shit gets so spoilt you feel you have to leave the cabin and make a rift for the car , you should resign yourself to go bad horribly . That way , on the off chance you actually survive , you could be pleasantly surprised .
9 ) Never ever go away the mathematical group for any reason .
Your natural selection bet on a lot of thing , but none moreso than being in visual modality of your friends at all times . The second one of you disappear from everyone else ’s view , that ’s the second he / she gets possess by a daimon and starts trying to remove you with a sauté pan . If someone postulate to go somewhere else in the cabin ; everyone should go . Do n’t come for the pal - system dogshit , where people partner off with a single other soul ; that ’s as much of a death sentence as going off on your own . Yes this does mean that you will require to pee-pee and poop in the main cabin room — presumptively in a bucketful placed in the corner — while your admirer watch . Get over it . You ’re the changeling who wanted to drop the night in a cabin in the wood .
10 ) Do n’t do anything lawfully or virtuously wrong .
This is a broad class , but it boils down to this : Do n’t do anything modern gild or canonical Judeo - Christian faith would frown upon . Dpn’t swallow . Do n’t do drugs . Do n’t fuck — particularly do n’t fuck . If you must engage in amatory strong-arm contact with somebody , sting to medium - to - light fashioning out and for god ’s sake do NOT go about second stem . Obey the 10 Commandments , include not occupy the Lord ’s name in vein . Treat your fellow cabin - mates as you would like them to treat you . essentially , do n’t do anything that would make it karmically appropriate for someone to savagely dispatch you . Note : If you ’re you an atheist , do n’t think you’re able to game the rules by doing Bible study or something during your stay ; the supernatural force that desire you dead would only find that objectionable .
11 ) Do n’t shoot anything .
Seriously . pull out a video tv camera to memorialise your piddling adventure is tantamount to signing your own expiry indorsement .
12 ) Do not log Z’s . If you must catch some Z’s , sleep in shifts .
If there ’s a night to buy an economy pack of Red Bulls and No - Doze , this Nox would be it . If you ’re asleep you ’re vulnerable , and if you ’re vulnerable someone can give you an clyster with a chainsaw . Best showcase scenario , you all bide awake all dark , on the lookout for possible dangers / liquidator / devil . If you must log Z’s , log Z’s in shifts . And NOT the kind of shift where only one person has to keep watch , because they will inevitably fall asleep and/or die awfully while they ’re the only one conscious . one-half of you catch some Z’s , and half of you stay awake — that way there ’s at least two people who can see each other , although really , a lower limit of three people is recommended .
13 ) Do not give at first visible radiation .
If , somehow , you ’ve grapple to survive the night and see the sunlight lastly set out to peek up over the view , do NOT run alfresco to greet the sidereal day . People assume sunrise is the end of demonic / murderous festivities , but that ’s not truthful at all . certain , the powers of malign fade in the daylight , but they still have enough voodoo to ironically get you just when you call up you ’ve finally made it to safety . You ’re go to want to await until about noon , just in case — let the sun come up , banish the dark , and hopefully the malevolent spirits will get world-weary and get out . Hopefully …
Horror
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